Changes

Hi. Hello there. Have we met before?

Oh...yes, I'm CW. It's so nice to see you again.

Oops. Apologies for my extended absence from the blog. Things have been...crazy.

You see, there's a lot of changes that have happened in the past 3 months, and a lot of changes that will hopefully be happening soon. I'm in this odd state of finishing up both undergrad and grad school all at once, I have my Teaching Associateship rapidly approaching, I'm moving somewhere in a 3 month time frame as well, and essentially starting life in the real-world(ish). Hell, I even bought a car; that practically screams "Welcome to the real world, grown-up!" I think my mind just imploded on itself in the face of all these adult prospects.

But there have been a few constants in my life that I've become supremely grateful for these past few months:

1. Coffee. In copious quantities.
2. The rescue squad, and my utterly dysfunctional, yet completely adored crew mates.
3. My mentor-slash-adopted grandfather, the ever present voice of reason and encouragement.
4. The solitude of the children's books room in the education library.
5. Coffee. In even more astounding quantities.

Yet, in spite of all these lovely, and much needed, constants, I have come to the conclusion that I, in fact, fear change. Which is a shocking revelation because I have spent much of my life trying to convince myself that change and fluidity are good, and that I am an adaptable person by nature.

This is, apparently, false.

Never have I been more frightened of what the future may hold in my entire life.

This, alone, is a frightening realization in its own right, given some of my past life experiences; for this to be the single most frightening prospect I have ever faced is, in many ways, ludicrous--irrational. I've faced down tougher stuff. I should be stronger than this. I should be more courageous than this. I should be fearless.

But I'm not.

There's a part of me that's crying out, "This is all happening too soon! You're only 21! You're too young to be taken seriously by the real world, much less have half a chance of making it out there." That part of me desperately wants to believe such things to be true. That part of me is clinging wantonly to the familiar, kicking and screaming in protest in the face of change, and that is the part of me I find most disappointing.

So from here on out, there will be some changes. I refuse to disappoint myself; to fall short of my own expectations. I refuse to let the prospect of change confuse and paralyze me with fright.

"The only way to make sense out of change is to plunge into it, move with it, and join the dance."--Alan Watts

Some Calls You Never Forget

In EMS, there are just some addresses that you remember. Some of them may be associated with frequent fliers, some are associated with the most bizarre calls of your EMS career, and some are forever associated with those calls that leave ghosts behind.

In EMS, we all have those calls that we'll never forget. Over time, the may fade or blend into the memories of other calls, but they are never truly forgotten. In time, you are often able make peace with those ghosts left behind from tough calls, but in a small town EMS service there's a very good chance that you'll never be able to let them truly rest.

Small town EMS is an entity unlike any other. When you run those "oh sh*t" calls, they are to addresses that you may know; they are for family, friends, people you have grown up around, and maybe even members of your own department. That's not to say that you don't run those same calls in big city EMS, they just happen to be a bit more concentrated out here in the country.

I ran a call with a good friend of mine awhile back--ultimately, a fatality from an MVC (motor vehicle crash). The call was one of a series that we had that night (because where I run, when it rains it pours); this was our second response from the hospital, and as we were en route to the scene, we were advised that we were facing a potential code.

My friend and colleague happens to be small-town-born-and-raised, as many of my fellow providers are. Even as a transplant from the North, one of the first things you understand about this town is that it's a tight community, and when you hear a potential code go out over the radio you start fervently wishing that it's no one you know--that this time you'll get lucky and you won't be working a family friend or acquaintance. There was a look that flashed briefly over my friend's face, a look of desperation like I had never seen from her before.

Needless to say, she was not so lucky that night. Our transport for that call was to the hospital, but more specifically the morgue. The front of the truck was silent on the ride in, with few interruptions limited to the tones for the rest of the county dropping quietly in the background.

No words were needed that night, at least not immediately. The talking will, and does come, and the support of other providers can help you reconcile your actions as an EMS worker and make peace; yet the question remains, how do you grieve? Because it these kinds of situations you are not just a provider, you are a friend, a loved one, an individual who shares more common ties with the patient than just a singular call.

It's a question that I'm not sure a lot of small town providers have yet answered; in fact, I think that there are many answers to this question that are as unique as the relationships between patient and provider themselves. But I do know this: there are just some calls that you never forget. And that's okay.

Role Models

I've come to the conclusion that when the going gets tough, the tough find role models that can provide that extra bit of incentive and support to achieve one's goals--and then they get going. Recently, I've been feeling kind of overwhelmed by life, particularly by the demands that my academic pursuits have been making on my time.

For those of you who have been around since the beginning, the fact that I am simultaneously pursuing both an undergraduate and graduate degree comes as no surprise. For those of you that know me personally, the fact that I am on an accelerated track for both degrees is also not new information. For anyone with a bit of common sense, the fact that I am struggling and under some pretty intense stress should not blow you out of the water.

As a result of this academic (and many-other-factors induced overload), I've been floundering a bit. For most of my life, I have been largely intrinsically motivated. I choose to do and pursue things that I am passionate about because accomplishing those acts makes ME happy. There was a substantial period in my life where I struggled with the lose-lose reality of pursuing not-quite-passions because I believed that they would make other people happy, and thereby make me happy; it turns out my theory was horribly wrong in that regard.

And I'll be honest: history and teaching do make me happy. In fact, they are two of the things in my life that I am most passionate about (if there is confusion on this point, I refer you to why I started the blog in the first place...); however, lately I've realized that my personal fulfillment in the pursuit of an undergraduate and graduate degree is hardly cutting it anymore. I feel as if sometimes my workload is isolating me from the relationships that will make my eventual achievement of these goals enjoyable. Sometimes I feel like Hermione Granger.

No...I'm not kidding. If you want a better understanding of why I identify with a fictional character, read this; maybe then you'll understand. To me, Hermione Granger is an inspiration of sorts; the girl who didn't let anything get in the way of her voracious academic pursuits; the girl who wasn't afraid to fight for her dreams and what she believed in; the girl who valued her friendships above all else; the girl that I grew up idolizing. Yes, Hermione Granger has been and always will be a role model to me as a still-trying-to-find-my-way, at times graceless, yet well intention-ed young adult. With some of the stuff that I have been dealing with in the past few months, having a role model like Hermione has provided me with a model of how to keep on in the face of adversity and challenge.

That's not to say that all of my role models exist in the fictional realm. I am so unbelievably blessed to have an extraordinarily high number of impressive and commendable individuals in my life after whom I can model my own actions and choices, as well as rely on for support. And since my life has kicked into high gear recently, that support has been indispensable. So I would like to say a thank you to a few people whom have remained steadfast in their support, compassion, love and inspiration in recent months. Your companionship and dignity with which you live your lives continues to amaze me, and makes everything that I am working towards that much richer.

To my mom: I love you and you are truly one of the strongest women and supporters that I know. I don't know where I would be without you in my life.

To my adopted grandfather and mentor: your kindness helped a very lost little girl find her voice and her way, and I look up to you in more ways than you will ever know. Thank you for taking this fellow Yank under your wing, and teaching by example that a little bit of compassion, humility, laughter and common sense can take you far in this world.

To my beautiful cousins and sister: each of you have inspired me in unique and varied ways to try and be the best person that I can be. Each of you are veritable fonts of strength, grace, compassion and fun, and I am constantly amazed and humbled by the women you have turned out to be.

To the three musketeers: it always comes back to you. You are the rocks at the center of everything I do, and I know that we can face anything together and come out stronger for it.

To the family that I have chosen: friendship does not even begin to cover what I have with each and every one of you. Celebrating life's little moments and pleasures with you, whether it is a rich cup of coffee, or one another's triumphs and achievements, has left an indelible print on my heart.

It is with and because of each of you that the stress becomes manageable and the rewards become richer and the memories become stronger. You are the true role models that are helping me get through the overwhelming stress that enable me to keep my head in the game, channel my inner Hermione Granger, and face each challenge head on with no fear and the sweet taste of satisfaction. Thank you, and I love all of you.