How Do You Do It?

As a volunteer, it's a question that I get asked frequently by many who don't understand EMS or the fire service: "How do you do it? How do you manage to commit to that level of volunteering? How do you keep doing it and not burn out?"

And, often, I look at them, and I'm not sure how to respond.

Because, truthfully, I'm not sure how I do it.

I'm not sure how I manage to say that 12 hours on an ambulance every week is more important than my work, my relationship, my friendships.

I'm not sure how I manage to get out of bed in the middle of the night as a duty officer and leave the comforts of my warm bed - the Firefighter, and Annie curled peacefully in sleep - as I venture out into the unknown.

I'm not sure how I manage to take on the burden of other people's panic and pain, yet not make it my own.

I'm not sure how I manage to walk off a scene where the unspeakable and unimaginable has occurred, and then reintegrate into civilian life less than hours later looking and sounding little worse for the wear.

And if I do manage to do it - I'm not sure I do it particularly well or with grace.

Volunteering in EMS and the fire service is not easy. It is not for the faint of heart. It's not for those that yearn for a life of comfort and ease.

All I know is that when my shift comes round, my pager goes off, and the chaos of the world beckons is that I *do* it. There's no thought as to how, just that it needs to be done.

And maybe it's that compulsion - the calling that needs to be explained. The why - not the how.

So for those of you who are reading this and understand the calling - what's your reason? Why do you do it? Because, really, I don't think any of us could explain the how without explaining the why. I know I can't.

Balance

Recently, I was discussing with some friends (both early on in their careers and those who already mid-career and highly successful individuals) how when creating our daily to-do lists we add tasks that we've either already completed or are incredibly simple to check off as a way of motivating ourselves to tackle the harder and more complicated tasks that are also on the list. It's a mind game we play with ourselves to try and overcome the exhaustion and overwhelming feeling that we are taking on more and trying to do more than is reasonable in a given day.

It was several hours after that particular conversation, one in which we lightheartedly joked around and shared our favorite "layup tasks" (Read: finish your third cup of coffee - CHECK!), that I realized just how disturbing our conversation actually was.

The issue at the core of our banter was balance. Balance in work lives, family lives, volunteer lives, and our relationships with our significant others. We were a relatively high-functioning group of people, and yet we had resorted to creating non-sense or rote tasks out of our daily routines just to try and  BALANCE out the far more challenging things that we actually needed to devote our smarts, talents and efforts towards. Which allowed me to draw the conclusion that balance, in the crazy, modern, fast-paced world we live in, is something that is elusive to many. For a long time, I would have included myself in the count of those who balance eludes. But a couple of things have changed.

For one, I learned to say no. Which is harder than you may think. There were so many things I was being asked to do that, in reality, anyone could have done. I used to take what should have been shared responsibility and personalized it as my own. And so I learned to say no. I would ask myself - "Is there someone else who is equally capable and willing?" and if the answer was "yes", I would pass that task to them. To hold others accountable for their share. And once I figured that out, I was amazed by the amount of time and energy and mental acuity that I had to devote to projects and ideas and people that were uniquely mine. 

Secondly, I got a dog. True enough, a dog probably isn't the solution to everyone's problems with balance. But let me tell you what a dog did do for me: it forced me to stop and take a break and rejuvenate my mind

 - think about something else or think about something from a different perspective; it forced me to get outside and take inspiration from the world around me; it forced me to meet new people and learn about new things. It forced me to prioritize my personal life and my own well-being.

Finally, I tried to infuse love into everything I do. If I cannot love something deeply and truly and meaningfully, then it is something that actively works against my well-being - in both my work life and personal life. In the end, it was a choice to prioritize myself; a choice to prioritize myself in a way that augments my personal, work, volunteer and relationship goals.

So do I still sometimes add that third cup of coffee to my to-do list? Absolutely, but this time when I add it, it's so I can sit outside in the yard and enjoy my coffee and reflect while Annie (my dog) toodles around and plays, and I come back to the next task better than I was before.

And that, right there, is the art of balance.

Getting Back To Me

Reflection. It's become a lifestyle for me since graduating from university (which, yes, if anyone is doing the math - that was indeed almost 2 years ago).

And, ironically, a blog is a great place for reflection and writing and thinking and developing new ideas and interests. Yet somehow, I shoved it to the side in the course of my life transitions and reflections. So, I'm here to correct that.

I've always been someone who thinks and expresses best when I do it in writing. Words make sense to me. Words written on paper and on blank white screens somehow manage to take the chaos of my mind and my tendency to think and over-think and then over-think some more, and make something fluid and concise and meaningful out of my thoughts and emotions.

Writing and reflecting - it's something that I've always done when I feel like I've drifted away from the things that are most important to me and who I am and who I would like to be. The things that make me the best version of myself - the one who is most able to go out there and be a positive and dynamic and contributing force in the world.

I've been doing a lot of writing this past year and half; none of it has been made public though. Much of my writing was too personal, too introspective, too revealing of my most inner thoughts and desires and self-judgments. But what I've also come to realize is that it is that writing which needs to be shared. The raw writing that gets me back to me.

Because ultimately, I am the sum of my experiences. I am that which has been forged by my own actions, the love of my parents and family and friends, and the beautiful and unique encounters that I have had with strangers over the course of my lifetime. I am the creation of the wisdom I have found for myself and that which has been entrusted to me by those I love and respect.

So I'm getting back to me and what makes me - well, me. And this blog is going to be a part of it.

So gather round, listen in, and prepare yourselves. It's going to be an interesting journey.

Changes

Hi. Hello there. Have we met before?

Oh...yes, I'm CW. It's so nice to see you again.

Oops. Apologies for my extended absence from the blog. Things have been...crazy.

You see, there's a lot of changes that have happened in the past 3 months, and a lot of changes that will hopefully be happening soon. I'm in this odd state of finishing up both undergrad and grad school all at once, I have my Teaching Associateship rapidly approaching, I'm moving somewhere in a 3 month time frame as well, and essentially starting life in the real-world(ish). Hell, I even bought a car; that practically screams "Welcome to the real world, grown-up!" I think my mind just imploded on itself in the face of all these adult prospects.

But there have been a few constants in my life that I've become supremely grateful for these past few months:

1. Coffee. In copious quantities.
2. The rescue squad, and my utterly dysfunctional, yet completely adored crew mates.
3. My mentor-slash-adopted grandfather, the ever present voice of reason and encouragement.
4. The solitude of the children's books room in the education library.
5. Coffee. In even more astounding quantities.

Yet, in spite of all these lovely, and much needed, constants, I have come to the conclusion that I, in fact, fear change. Which is a shocking revelation because I have spent much of my life trying to convince myself that change and fluidity are good, and that I am an adaptable person by nature.

This is, apparently, false.

Never have I been more frightened of what the future may hold in my entire life.

This, alone, is a frightening realization in its own right, given some of my past life experiences; for this to be the single most frightening prospect I have ever faced is, in many ways, ludicrous--irrational. I've faced down tougher stuff. I should be stronger than this. I should be more courageous than this. I should be fearless.

But I'm not.

There's a part of me that's crying out, "This is all happening too soon! You're only 21! You're too young to be taken seriously by the real world, much less have half a chance of making it out there." That part of me desperately wants to believe such things to be true. That part of me is clinging wantonly to the familiar, kicking and screaming in protest in the face of change, and that is the part of me I find most disappointing.

So from here on out, there will be some changes. I refuse to disappoint myself; to fall short of my own expectations. I refuse to let the prospect of change confuse and paralyze me with fright.

"The only way to make sense out of change is to plunge into it, move with it, and join the dance."--Alan Watts

Role Models

I've come to the conclusion that when the going gets tough, the tough find role models that can provide that extra bit of incentive and support to achieve one's goals--and then they get going. Recently, I've been feeling kind of overwhelmed by life, particularly by the demands that my academic pursuits have been making on my time.

For those of you who have been around since the beginning, the fact that I am simultaneously pursuing both an undergraduate and graduate degree comes as no surprise. For those of you that know me personally, the fact that I am on an accelerated track for both degrees is also not new information. For anyone with a bit of common sense, the fact that I am struggling and under some pretty intense stress should not blow you out of the water.

As a result of this academic (and many-other-factors induced overload), I've been floundering a bit. For most of my life, I have been largely intrinsically motivated. I choose to do and pursue things that I am passionate about because accomplishing those acts makes ME happy. There was a substantial period in my life where I struggled with the lose-lose reality of pursuing not-quite-passions because I believed that they would make other people happy, and thereby make me happy; it turns out my theory was horribly wrong in that regard.

And I'll be honest: history and teaching do make me happy. In fact, they are two of the things in my life that I am most passionate about (if there is confusion on this point, I refer you to why I started the blog in the first place...); however, lately I've realized that my personal fulfillment in the pursuit of an undergraduate and graduate degree is hardly cutting it anymore. I feel as if sometimes my workload is isolating me from the relationships that will make my eventual achievement of these goals enjoyable. Sometimes I feel like Hermione Granger.

No...I'm not kidding. If you want a better understanding of why I identify with a fictional character, read this; maybe then you'll understand. To me, Hermione Granger is an inspiration of sorts; the girl who didn't let anything get in the way of her voracious academic pursuits; the girl who wasn't afraid to fight for her dreams and what she believed in; the girl who valued her friendships above all else; the girl that I grew up idolizing. Yes, Hermione Granger has been and always will be a role model to me as a still-trying-to-find-my-way, at times graceless, yet well intention-ed young adult. With some of the stuff that I have been dealing with in the past few months, having a role model like Hermione has provided me with a model of how to keep on in the face of adversity and challenge.

That's not to say that all of my role models exist in the fictional realm. I am so unbelievably blessed to have an extraordinarily high number of impressive and commendable individuals in my life after whom I can model my own actions and choices, as well as rely on for support. And since my life has kicked into high gear recently, that support has been indispensable. So I would like to say a thank you to a few people whom have remained steadfast in their support, compassion, love and inspiration in recent months. Your companionship and dignity with which you live your lives continues to amaze me, and makes everything that I am working towards that much richer.

To my mom: I love you and you are truly one of the strongest women and supporters that I know. I don't know where I would be without you in my life.

To my adopted grandfather and mentor: your kindness helped a very lost little girl find her voice and her way, and I look up to you in more ways than you will ever know. Thank you for taking this fellow Yank under your wing, and teaching by example that a little bit of compassion, humility, laughter and common sense can take you far in this world.

To my beautiful cousins and sister: each of you have inspired me in unique and varied ways to try and be the best person that I can be. Each of you are veritable fonts of strength, grace, compassion and fun, and I am constantly amazed and humbled by the women you have turned out to be.

To the three musketeers: it always comes back to you. You are the rocks at the center of everything I do, and I know that we can face anything together and come out stronger for it.

To the family that I have chosen: friendship does not even begin to cover what I have with each and every one of you. Celebrating life's little moments and pleasures with you, whether it is a rich cup of coffee, or one another's triumphs and achievements, has left an indelible print on my heart.

It is with and because of each of you that the stress becomes manageable and the rewards become richer and the memories become stronger. You are the true role models that are helping me get through the overwhelming stress that enable me to keep my head in the game, channel my inner Hermione Granger, and face each challenge head on with no fear and the sweet taste of satisfaction. Thank you, and I love all of you.